Grief is love, with nowhere to go.

Grief can stem from the present or even a possibility in the future. Whether real or imagined, it can feel just as tangible as the laptop I'm writing this on.

I’m currently traversing a grief I never anticipated. A grief for a distant friend, as she mourns the sudden passing of her husband.

If I’m frank, I haven’t felt deserving of this grief. I wasn’t close with her, nor her husband; though we’d met a couple of times.

In each encounter, however, I felt his purity. He left a lasting impact I didn’t even recognise until now.

The impact being looks can be deceiving, that true love knows no bounds and a man of devotion and loyalty will show up in ways you never anticipated. The world is a darker place without him in it.

You see, I’m a deep bish. I know this; it’s also something I’ve resented, for fear of being ‘too much’. But the reality is, it’s this ability to go to the depths that highlights to me the importance of embracing this life - this one, short life - to the absolute fullest.

But this grief was unexpected.

It has been a stark reminder of how precious life truly is. How fortunate I am to have a partner, children, family and friends whose hearts are still beating and what a gift that is… every second of every day.

It showed me not to take anything for granted… and yet, it’s been extremely challenging to not move from fear.

My brain has kicked into hyper-protection mode, and is all too scared to let go.

To surrender to the moment and sink even deeper into our love.

Because, what if?

What if that is me?

I know this grief is a slither of what my friend is enduring, and her 4 precious boys. 

And yet, it terrifies me.

I have grieved FOR her… only touching the tip of the ice berg in comparison.

We know this kind of thing can happen to any one of us.

We are not exempt, immortal, untouchable.

Whether it’s conscious or not, this innate fear takes up residence inside our subconscious, at the very least, and stops most of us from truly embracing life and love to the absolute fullest.

I don’t know much. I don’t think any of us really do; though we like to think we do.

But I do know this - life is a gift. Truly.

And most of us spend a large portion of our lives robbing ourselves of immense joy, pleasure and love… because of ‘just in case’.

I wonder how people survive such grief. 

Because when love has nowhere to go… how the fuck do you carry on as you were before?

The reality is, you don’t. You’re forever changed, whether you like it or not.

I don’t know the answers to many of life's burning questions.. But I do know we need to do better. I need to do better. I need to remind you that your silly ‘red flags’ and fixation on all the things your partner isn’t doing right are more often than not, just a way to protect that precious heart of yours.

Stop waiting. Stop protecting. Love like you never have before and live like you mean it.

I am so fucking sorry, R x