In hindsight, being with a loyal, stable man actually highlighted my insecurities.

I thought I’d done enough work on myself that if I was finally with someone who didn’t cheat (unlike my ex), I wouldn’t have the same concerns and triggers.

But… trauma and the human brain don’t work like that 😬

The pain and wounding from my past relationship didn’t just disappear the moment I found someone “safe.”

My behaviour started to become unpredictable, intense… even controlling, especially when I felt triggered or insecure.

I remember moments early in our relationship when he’d go into the garage… and my body would flood with anxiety.

“What’s he doing on his phone? What don’t I know?!” (It was exhausting 🙃)

I’d then withdraw and emotionally shut down as a way to “protect” myself.

Later down the track, I’d find myself spiralling when he spent time with the neighbour or went out drinking, to which I’d (unconsciously) use tears to try to manipulate the outcome.

If he stayed, I’d feel “safe.”

If he didn’t, I’d feel completely out of control.

But being the secure, autonomous man he is… he didn’t give in to my reactions.

He did what felt right for him - and he wasn’t even doing anything wrong lol

Which only triggered me more.

I’d end up literally shaking, spiralling and feeling more alone than ever.

I know I’m not the only one who’s been here.

In those moments, the fear felt SO big and SO real.

And now?

I have nothing but compassion for that version of me 🥹

I was still deeply affected by the betrayal and gaslighting from my past.

I felt so wildly unworthy… so unlovable.

It wasn’t until we hit breaking point that I finally sought help.

And with the right support, I could finally see what I was creating - the pain, the disconnect, the unnecessary suffering.

I realised if I didn’t do something different… we were doomed.

I couldn’t keep playing the victim anymore because in this relationship, I wasn’t being lied to or betrayed.

It was just my trauma talking 🤷‍♀️

And that’s the thing about perception - just because it feels true, doesn’t mean it is.

This is one of the most common patterns I see:

The woman convinced her partner is the problem, when in reality, it’s a reflection of unprocessed pain.

Sure, it feels real.

But that doesn’t make it fact.

When you know what to look for, you can finally start doing things differently.

And with the right support, you can break the cycle.